Dairy Free

Diverticulitis is so painful! Like barbed wire in intestines! Looking into making vegan protein bars at home, not too hard honestly, i have dairy free shakes from Isogenics i should have enough to finish the four weeks 🙂

Today is the last official day off…. dinner with mates we have not seen in a while. We planned it knowing it would be at this end of the first week… it’s like coming up for air! But as i keep saying, doesn’t mean i have to loose my mind and eat everything i see….

What’s in it for Fat?

So autopsy on yesterday reveals a hidden clue:

yesterday two things were happening:

  1. IBS & Diverticulitis (pain in intestines and gas and lots o dat!)
  2. My first shake was different. I wished it in the ninja wizard with lots of water and drank it over about 20 minutes, but i pushed past full!

 

 

AND that was the clue for my food thoughts – associated nerves in my belly caused associated feeling codes thoughts to appear like – oh you are over full, you feel sick, your failing, why keep going

also that feeling of fullness faded later and i had post fulness depression! 1. Self diagnosis for the day! but as i write it i realise its true – when i lose that fullness feeling i feel like i have to replace it soon. And if I don’t i will feel hunger and then pain and then ibs and reflux. And burping!

It’s like my body punishes me for not eating – I get anxious and nauseous and feel like the only thing that will solve it is food, predominately carby protein sandwiches…..

 

JBW I dunno whose songs these are but they followed me on soundcloud and they are AWESOME!

That feeling of fullness is like a drug itself! I imagine myself like an overstuffed black labrador I once knew called Jack. He would like with his huge full belly right in front of the heater, so close you would think his hair was singing. I see myself and stick my tongue out lovingly dripping drool, remembering the feeling of all the food i just ate while lying on my side like a happy dog! WOOF!

Well anyhow, this is then associated with comfort and a distinct removal of my then current discomforts – Anxiety, IBS diverticulitis, pain…. so about 11pm i made myself sandwiches and crumpets and stopped right there.

When i quit smoking back in my 20s it was like this. i would be ok for a while then i would hit a stumbling block. I would have to leave someones social circle for a while, or stop going to certain places, or even eat certain foods because i associated it all with cigarettes.

So I know this lesson and I am taking note –

i am

a: learning from it and

b: applying it.

  1. Diverticulitis: I have been having all the dairy shakes – I am now swapping out to only dairy free. That’s what the diverticulitis felt like it was triggered by, as it has been before, but in the past only with Chilli.
  2. I made another fluffy shake this morning, but I am keeping busy doing something I am passionate about while drinking it – Posting this! I am drinking it much slower now and I have to get used to that for post operation when i wont be able to feel my tummy so easily.
  3. I have also only poured a third of it and put the rest in the fridge. I will drink it slowly over the next couple of hours, but I will keep it slow for that reason.

 

Lets look for good results 😀

 

This is no joke, this is the song that just came on soundcloud, so relevant – how funny i never listen to rap/trip hop whatever this awesome shit is, i am usually listening to electronica and aphextwin but this, is incredible!

Day 4!

Yes still on the journey but i did cave in last night! I ended up eating two sandwiches and two crumpets before bed! However i am not disappointed because that’s the longest i have been able to be on shakes and bars, which was about 72 hours. I also made sure not to spiral out of control… i planned what i was gonna eat, prepared it enjoyed it ate it and stopped at that…. didn’t lead to eating more junk and binging like it would have in the past!

Going over it i have figured a few things that will help: More bars and more variety. I am also checking in with the dietician and psychologist about what to do for the next time i feel like eating.

Many mins ago, in my 20s i quit smoking and that took a fee goes to get right as well. The key thing here though is the limited time, the final two weeks for example i have to stay off food… the dietician said this first week may have teething problems but otherwise really be good to have it down pat by week two!

So day 4 here we go!

Deconstructing Obesity… (Day 3)

So, Day 3 sucks!

Diverticulitis – Its the scientific name for “pockets” in the colon, associated with IBS including pain, bloating, gas and good old fashioned diaorehha! For some reason when I am getting all tis my bladder gets jelous and also goes painful and bloated. I think thats central sensitisation making a mockerey of my somasensatory nerve system…

But who am I to self diagnose?

What I can say is it has been challenging – Add stress and the mind goes for comfort from stress, usually my first comfort is a big meal, lots of carbs, sweet and salt, meat, etc….

OR, then I put off eating and stay in an anxious state thinking about food I want to eat…

Both behaviours are counterproductive to my Brad Pitt/Ricky Martin clone body I want to achieve so I am finding ways to put off the desie and invest my time/energy into better productive pursuits for my end goals….

like having a nice warm shower and keeping hot water on my sore belly!

Am now also having some panadol and very slowly drinking a meal replacement shake….

Hard work but it will be worth the effort and the best part is:

this post is not a “oh I gave in and ate food that is counter productive to what I need to do” post – its another “struggling but conquering” posr, which is what I want more of to remind me, its worth it 😀

I am keeping it honest, the page is keeping me honest, its hard but woth it

Late Night

i don’t sleep regular hours. Generally i sleep 3-4 hours a night with waking every 30-60 minutes for pain, cramps or agony. I have a painkiller at night that helps. Some nights it takes a long time to get tired, more so when i have had a busy day, like today. It leaves me overstimulated… The central sensitisation, the part of Fibromyalgia that makes sensory input painful and uncomfortable gets out of whack when i have a lot of stimulus…. music loud for a long time, busy cafes, shopping centres, a busy day at the beach. I then feel immediately exhausted, which takes a few hours to pass if i don’t get so fatigued i sleep. Once that passes though i feel hyper alert…. Hypervigillance is the word for it: it means being in fight/flight mode, prolonged and sustained.

It’s the worst thing about going out…. i love being out with my family… Sunday’s were always family days to us. Now we have to limit it to half a day, they have to wait for me to wake up and be ready…. we have to have early dinners to avoid peak business in resteraunts, we go to shopping centres off peak, we go to festivals and markets during the week or an hour before closing time because this way it’s quieter.

I constantly wear a hat, sunglasses and earplugs or headphones to give me some control over the stimulus. But even with all that today i am still now hyper vigilant.

I have been craving food for 20 minutes and settled on an extra health bar. Better this than what i was thinking about. I also reminded myself how disappointed i would be if i caved in, and the fact the food will repeat on me and that if i started i would probably gorge on it and make myself sick.

I believe this is what people call willpower because repeating “no” to myself has never worked…. but this is justifying and thinking it through… and it’s working and this blog is helping funnily enough…. the part where i am holding myself accountable.