Late Night

i don’t sleep regular hours. Generally i sleep 3-4 hours a night with waking every 30-60 minutes for pain, cramps or agony. I have a painkiller at night that helps. Some nights it takes a long time to get tired, more so when i have had a busy day, like today. It leaves me overstimulated… The central sensitisation, the part of Fibromyalgia that makes sensory input painful and uncomfortable gets out of whack when i have a lot of stimulus…. music loud for a long time, busy cafes, shopping centres, a busy day at the beach. I then feel immediately exhausted, which takes a few hours to pass if i don’t get so fatigued i sleep. Once that passes though i feel hyper alert…. Hypervigillance is the word for it: it means being in fight/flight mode, prolonged and sustained.

It’s the worst thing about going out…. i love being out with my family… Sunday’s were always family days to us. Now we have to limit it to half a day, they have to wait for me to wake up and be ready…. we have to have early dinners to avoid peak business in resteraunts, we go to shopping centres off peak, we go to festivals and markets during the week or an hour before closing time because this way it’s quieter.

I constantly wear a hat, sunglasses and earplugs or headphones to give me some control over the stimulus. But even with all that today i am still now hyper vigilant.

I have been craving food for 20 minutes and settled on an extra health bar. Better this than what i was thinking about. I also reminded myself how disappointed i would be if i caved in, and the fact the food will repeat on me and that if i started i would probably gorge on it and make myself sick.

I believe this is what people call willpower because repeating “no” to myself has never worked…. but this is justifying and thinking it through… and it’s working and this blog is helping funnily enough…. the part where i am holding myself accountable.

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